In recent years, there's been endless chatter about "setting boundaries." But most boundary advice is just someone else imposing their boundaries on you.
I realized this recently while consuming yet another expert's framework for "healthy boundaries." I was following their rules, adhering to their definitions, living by their standards.
The Philosophy of True Boundaries
Let me redefine what a boundary actually is, without prescribing what yours should look like.
A boundary is recognizing when something triggers anxiety or discomfort within you, then actively choosing to resist whatever causes that feeling.
This isn't about avoiding the productive discomfort that comes from growth…that beautiful tension you feel when pushing beyond your comfort zone. I'm talking about the soul-crushing discomfort that signals you're violating something fundamental about who you are.
As a natural introvert building a business, I've had to navigate this daily. "Putting yourself out there" feels uncomfortable, but it's a necessary growth discomfort. Because, a closed mouth never gets fed. This is the kind of discomfort we must transcend to elevate both our health, consciousness, and our business.
The Anti-Vision: Your North Star in Reverse
Here's the paradox: you can only set authentic boundaries when you truly know what you want. But how do you discover what you want?
Start with what you don't want.
Dan Koe brilliantly advocates for creating an "anti-vision". This is a comprehensive inventory of everything you refuse to become. This concept is powerful because identifying what you're running from often provides more clarity than what you're running toward.
The challenge? Most people can't recognize their anti-vision because they're too busy conforming to inherited boundaries.
These invisible constraints come from:
Family conditioning that feels "normal" but suffocates your authentic self.
Societal programming that prioritizes conformity over individual truth.
Cultural expectations that reward compliance over conscious choice.
The Tyranny of Normal
You know the feeling. Everything appears fine from the outside, but internally you're drowning. You compare your life to others and see nothing obviously wrong, yet you hate that version of "normal."
Normal looks like this:
Cycling through antidepressants, searching for the right chemical combination to numb your existential dread.
Drinking away anxiety instead of addressing its source.
Maintaining relationships that drain your energy because you've been conditioned to believe fake connection is better than authentic solitude.
The first boundary I learned to set was simple yet revolutionary. I began mentally (and sometimes verbally) rejecting anything that didn't contribute to my growth, regardless of how unconventional this appeared to others.
Some call this "standing in your truth." I call it discovering what your truth actually is.
The Reference Point Revolution
You cannot establish meaningful boundaries without a clear reference point for what you're moving away from. Once you identify the people, situations, and experiences you refuse to tolerate, only then can you move intentionally toward the life you actually want.
Here's how I've applied this philosophy across 3 essential areas:
Health Boundaries: The Energy Audit
My non-negotiable: I eliminate everything that diminishes my energy levels, particularly alcohol.
What I refuse to accept:
“Normal” justifications like "I deserve a cheat day."
Social pressure to drink with people I have no connection with and/or don’t desire to connect with.
The metabolic dysfunction that leaves me sluggish and depressed.
My health boundary in action: Complete sobriety, despite some viewing this as extreme. I focus on how terrible I feel after drinking and how it delays my progress. If I want the opposite outcome, alcohol simply cannot be part of the equation.
Psychological Boundaries: The Mindset Filter
Everything takes longer than expected, but in hindsight, nothing takes as long as expected.
My operating philosophy: During my pharmacy school years (2006-2010), my classmates and I constantly complained about the program's length. Now, fifteen years later, those four years feel like a brief moment in time.
Key insight: The complaining accomplished nothing. Staying focused on learning pharmacology gave me both:
The ability to support myself financially.
The capital to eventually start my own business.
My psychological boundary: I avoid chronic complainers because complaining and progress are mutually exclusive. No one can progress while complaining. Complaining is an activity that demands your undivided attention.
Business Boundaries: The Strategic Pivot
Since 2015, I've launched multiple ventures:
I’ve wholesaled real estate.
I’ve run a Facebook ads/PPC marketing agency.
I’ve sold print-on-demand items through Etsy (which I still do because I like it).
Each provided valuable insights and clarity on my anti-vision. I discovered:
I didn’t want the high stress and low autonomy that came from wholesaling which made me dependent on cash buyers and market conditions.
I didn’t want to be a glorified employee serving demanding clients (agency work).
Ultimately, I didn’t want any business model that pushes me toward the very things I was trying to escape.
So, the business boundary I set for myself is there are no boundaries. You must recognize what you don't want and pivot strategically when your circumstances align more with your anti-vision than your vision.
The key question: For any problem you solve within business (or life in general), does solving this problem move me toward or away from my desired future?
The New Format: Mastery Through Focus
I'm sharing this boundary framework because I'm evolving The Mastery Memo's format.
Why the change?
Greater clarity comes from exploring one core theme philosophically first.
Multiple actionable templates risk cognitive overload.
The goal is self-mastery: "An (overwhelmed) attempted jack of all trades will be master of none."
What's coming: Free templates and interactive workbooks as separate resources for subscribers ready to move beyond understanding into action. These resources will create a natural progression from philosophy to practice.
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Stay Masterful,
Caroline